Aspienwomen: Adult Women with Asperger Syndrome. Moving towards a female profile of Asperger Syndrome

So much of me in this article.

Welcome to Aspiengirl

 

IAPC AUSTRALIAN CHAIR

UPDATE:

A recent 2022 research study by my colleague Dr. Bob McCrossan found a male to female ratio of 3:4. This is remarkable. See his recent study here

RESEARCH HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH CLINICAL WORK AND THE MALE TO FEMALE RATIO HAS GONE FROM 16:1 TO 1.8:1. A recent research study has established a ratio of two to one (Rutherford, McKenzie and Johnston 2016). Back in 2014, we predicted 1:1 and we are almost there. This is good news. However, we now have few educated, trained and experienced practitioners/clinicians to provide competent ethical assessment and diagnosis. 

Updated March 30th, 2022 (originally written in 2011 and published 2013)

Tania Marshall© 2013-2022. All rights reserved. Aspiengirl and Planet Aspien are trademarked. Thank you.

Aspienwomen : Adult Women with Asperger Syndrome. Moving towards a female profile of Asperger Syndrome. This blog has been viewed well over 1,000,000 times, been…

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Part of your world.

I have accepted a full time job with benefits.  

I will still be working at the lab I am at now, but only once a week, if allowed?.?.
It is on the whim of the owner.  I found out some information about this company, and it makes me like them less.  It is run on the owner’s whim and not a system of checks and balances.  I was given a contract that spelled out what is expected of me and my manager and I will go over that after 90 days, and a year later.  My raises will have nothing to do with what the owner decides what to do, it will be looked over by HR.  

With this job is the hope of getting gastric bypass.  With that surgery comes the hope of pregnancy.  

 

I still don’t talk to L much.  I just don’t feel the need.  Her life is about her child, and honestly I don’t have much desire to hear much about it.  I have many reasons, some selfish, but it is her child not mine.  

I have been going to the gym, well not for the last week or so.  Been busy, or just tired.

With this insurance coming  up we get behavioral health coverage.  So I will be starting therapy again to start dealing the past I have not dealt with yet.  

Happy one year.

I saw on this the other day that this blog is a year old.  In regards to what this blog was originally supposed to be, well we are not anywhere near that.  In regards to my emotional growth, it has changed.  We are not even close to trying for a baby.

Three weeks ago yesterday we joined a gym, I have dove into this with a surprising urge.  Being my size, a gym is somewhere where I thought I would fit in, in every way shape and form.  The truth of it is, I like it.  I feel like everytime I go in there it brings me closer to becoming a mom.  Even if it is just by a few minutes.  Instead of getting depressed and crying about the time I will have to wait, I will use that to make myself better, and in the long run a better a mom.

I know in the back of mind there is the possibility….. I honestly don’t think I could type out what I was trying to  (I am already crying thinking about it.  It is a fear so great I won’t even think it to actually though in my mind, yet in fragments it remains buried in the deep part of my brain and heart.)

 

Work is still something I love doing, but I do not care for who I work for.  I love the doctor is who the lead doctor for my facility (he truly cares about patients), my manager is pretty cool, and easy to talk to (but I know his loyalties lay with the owner).  My co workers are awesome for the most part, I feel I can be myself around them.  The owner of this place is my issue.  My field is very specialized, and there is not single job right now in my area for it.  So in the big picture I have a job that pays really well.  We can afford our bills and have good food (mostly organic), but that is problem.  We have never taken a vacation.  I can afford to live, no vacation.  

On the gym, I never thought I would feel ok going.  The truth of it is I love to go.  I was afraid others would judge, and look at me.  I am very overweight.  I am finding out that people support me and cheer me on.  They are just as nervous, even the Gaga size girls.  They cheer me and congratulate me on another good workout.  First I was only able to do the pool workouts, because the bike was too much on my joints.  After just a week and half in the pool I can work out on the normal equipment.  When I first started I could barely ride for 10 minutes on the bike, I am up to 16 minutes.  I did weights and my arms are sore.  I have the right to feel how good it feels to move.  To my surprize other people believe I have that right to, and encourage me.  

 

 

I sometimes hate my emotions.

I know M will always love me, but it does wear on her for me to be overly sensitive.  I wish I could help more, but it just does not happen.  

 

I wish I could keep them secret.  

 

 

No one has to know right….?

No, not right.

 

 

 

 

More plan changes which pushes mommyhood further away.  Things we had hoped for, di did not happen.  Fighting for them is not going to happen either.  It is M’s call, and her’s alone. 

I will be going back to school, but it will only work if M can hold down a job.  I can’t support us and a child on my salary.  I am the only salary in this household also.  It is tough, and she is worth it.

 

I just wish we didn’t have to delay the trying to have a family as long as we do.  

I really need to update. Emotions, and change

I really need to update.  Emotions, and change in the plans….

Adoption.

Someone commented on my last post.  I have had normal periods, I am on Mirena for PCOS.  Living with M has kinda knocked me into a “normal” cycle.  I am at the weight were I already have enough medical issues, that having a baby would be dangerous.  For both me and the baby.  

I brought up that maybe we should pursue adoption, because I can lay all my hopes in me getting pregnant.  I will not put myself through emotional hell in hopes of becoming a mother.  She would like if we adopted older and trying get pregnant during or after the adoption.  

It just feels like reality set in and it was a fucking ton of bricks.  I didn’t like it, and I still don’t but it is not as bad.  

I will be a mom SOMEDAY, it is just how I will become one. 

 

L who got pregnant first shot while not respecting husbands wishes is complaining about baby weight.  She was normal size before, not fat with just a few extra pounds.  Healthy.  She use to stay below weight by starving herself.  Now she is complaining how fat she is and she has stretch marks.  GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.  To me right now it just sounds like bitching, and she does appear to be grateful.  Our relationship is crumbling because I can’t think of her the same, I lost respect.     

Emotions.

Yesterday M said something that kinda struck me.  I knew in way it was true what she said.  I just don’t like know it is going to be so far away.  Two years til we start trying.

I know she is right, she also did remind me it is my fault.  I got myself to this size and this health.  I never thought it would ruin my hope in parenthood, or delay it this much.  Makes so mad at myself.  

We have a long road to make it happen and my weight is going to cause a delay, a large fucking delay.  

M told me a few weeks ago, she would be fine if it was just me and her and no children.  Then she said something that is very true, I would not be fine with out kids.  I want to be a mother so bad some days it hurts.  The sting is hard.

 

Another repeat of this problem again.  M does not like having to revisit this emotion, but I feel it.  I feel guilt, but it is there.  

I do know what to do.

I won’t explain the title I just need to say, even if it is typed.  

It is starting to get hot.  I sleep during the day so I don’t really notice it.  We are planning a trip next month, just two days.  I am really looking forward to it.  I am nervous to get excited.  I am so use to things falling through on big plans.  We have yet to do anything that will fall through and disappoint me.  I knew we would get a new place to live, it was just finding the right one.  

Work is still work.  I love what I do and working with patients, I just wish I could get some benefits.  Still waiting to hear back on that.  As with most things I hope but don’t expect.   

It is becoming a home.

We have been in our new home for just over two weeks.  Moving is a lot of work, but we know better for next time.  There are still some boxes that need to be unpacked.  I love this home. 

Still waiting for word on something at work.

 

I use to like to watch The Baby Story, but so many of those mom’s just go get induced and have a hospital birth.  Hardly any of them even consider a midwife.  

A lot has changed, but we are still us.  

Less than a week.

M and I are in the middle of packing, the movers come Friday around 1 pm.  I work Thursday night, so Friday is going to be a long day.  

We went to Lowes, and walked around.  I loved looking at kitchen appliances.  It is so comfortable knowing someday we will be making that purchase.  Even better some day the purchase will be in our OWN house with kids running around in it.  

We looked at plants and fences to put up so the plants can grow up.

Saturday we ran errands all day, just before we went to Olive Garden for a late lunch there was tears in the parking lot.  This time not from me, but from my sweet wife.  This move is hard on us in different ways.  She is use to having minimal help to move, and due to our location (upstairs apartment) and our health issues going on.  We need  more heal from the movers than she would like.  It may cost more, but it will be worth the health and safety of my wife.  When she is in pain, fights are more easily started.  So in a way (ok a big way) it is for my sanity also.  

I love what I do as a career but not really were I work. Been there almost a year, and I am still not full time.  I am getting enough hours, but no insurance.  Something happened last week that I was not to happy with at all.  I did start to search for another place, but I can’t start another job in the middle of a move.  Place up North and in Tucson are hiring, but I would have to see how much it would be to break my lease.  M would follow me, she would like a change for once.  

I would be further away from my mom, but she never comes to visit it us as it is.  It usually a lunch visit every few weeks if possible.  She is to busy spending time with my sister, as usual.  My mom is very finically supportive, but not very emotionally supportive.  M has become the only person I have come to trust.  

I still wonder about my father, but in the sense of wanting to speak to him.  Just wonder if he even cares that I want nothing to do with him.  I am guessing not, since he is not that kind of a father.  

People last week were posting on FB about sibling week.  WTF would I post?  
“This is my sister S she is an emotional abusive bitch that almost drove me to kill myself.” 

In two days it will be the 2 year mark when I took off to Ohio with 9 hour notice.  I told my family like 3 hours before I left.  Ironically my father funded the ticket.  I consider Ohio a big jumping off point in my life.  I got out of the house that almost killed me, enough to keep me alive.  It was also just before M messaged me and that changed my whole life.  B was who invited me up there, we had talked online for awhile prior.  I literally just took off.  There was fights, but I would not of traded it.  I am alive because I ran off.  I ran off for the first time in my life.  

I don’t have to run no more, I don’t need.  I don’t have abusers around me anymore.

 

I saw a story about Hell Angels who and protect abused kids.  They will stand out side of their house, or walk them to school and wait there so they feel safe.  Even walk into court and sit in the front row.  One story was about a 10 year old boy testifying against  his abusive father.  The prosecutor ask him why had not testified before, the boy answered that he was scared.  The prosecutor asked the boy what had changed.   The boy replied as he pointed to the front row of seats

“My friend is scarier than him.”